Delayed-Response

I have written before in a past blog about my delayed-response when it comes to good byes, well here it is. I have noticed the past 3 nights as I have laid in bed crying that it was not only because I was exhausted, but I realized last night that I am going through a time of transitioning and change. The day that Kelly left and that my dad arrived was crazy and then I had the whole week with my dad which also flew by. Then I was preparing for the students to come and then I have been staying busy ever since. Even though, I enjoy being busy most of the time the other day I noticed I needed some solitude because I was beginning to lose my mind. A friend actually brought it to my attention when we were talking and she said, "are you okay? I feel like your mind is somewhere else"? Well she was right, my mind was somewhere else and I feel like it has been somewhere else ever since that day Kelly left and my dad arrived.

During the day, I have not been present in many of the things going on around me. My mind has usually been somewhere else, which was something that was starting to bother me which added to my frustration. I didn't know where my mind was going I was focusing on every thing that I thought I had to do or needed to do, instead of just being in the moment with people and with God. Then at night, when I would come home I would not only be exhausted but I would just start crying. Obviously, there was something going on.

Last night, it came to me that I had not been dealing with the change that is taking place around me. I had not cried about my dad leaving or about Kelly leaving or about all the things that are changing at home so as I laid in bed I just cried about everything. I don't like crying. I think that is one of the reasons that my emotions have been delayed until now, and I am also task-oriented so if you keep me busy I will ignore myself and my emotions.

I think I struggle with adjusting to big life changes and now there are many that are taking place so I am learning to adjust in my own way, but first I needed to cry about it. I have to accept the things I can not change and have no control over. God is in control over everything and He has our best interests at heart. He knows what is going on before we do. He knew that I needed this time of losing my mind to let go and just admit my emotions and cry. He knows that admitting my emotions is still not as easy as I would like it to be, and that I hide many of my emotions, because I think of them as weak. But I am weak and I don't have to worry about that, because God is strong.

A new song

                                                          No Fight Left by: JJ Heller

This song seemed appropriate for right now. I will blog later on tonight about what I learned last night while I laid in bed and then this morning how God reaffirmed that what I had learned or noticed was indeed true.

Just Be.

So I thought this morning that I would be spending the whole day at a park, just me and God. However, I am not sure where my mind was or has been because I literally could not focus. I sat at this new place trying to pray and my mind was a complete blank. I really could not focus enough to pray so I just spoke to God like I normally do like He is right next to me, and still nothing. I usually feel sometime of leading and today nothing.

So then I opened my Bible and began reading where I left off the other night in Leviticus. Well, it didn't seem like today was an infectious disease kind of day so I read a few chapters and then I did the thing that some people say you shouldn't do. I just left my Bible open and I let the breeze blow the pages around until it stopped (kind of the same idea of just opening your Bible and reading whatever page it opens to). My Bible laid open in Isaiah so I started reading and going through a couple chapters, but then I stopped and this question came to my mind, "what am I searching for"?

Why did I take 2 bus rides out to this park to "be with God"? Why I am out here? Why am I not at home resting?  Why is God not giving me any kind of direction today? Why am I not at peace? Why am I still anxious and not able to relax?

I then packed up my things and started to head home. I sat on the bench at the bus stop for a good 20 minutes trying to figure out which bus I should take to go home then I stopped looking for the bus and I just sat there. In case you haven't noticed, I asked a lot of why questions today and then as I sat there I began to ask more questions.

God, why are you hiding your face from me? Why can't I relax? Then as I sat there at this bus stop where I had no idea where I was...it came to me, why am I trying so hard to relax and to be with God? Why in the world did I come all the way out to this park? Why didn't I just stay back in downtown San Jose where I feel the most relaxed? Or better yet, why didn't I just stay at home? Why did I feel like I had to go anywhere at all?

These words then entered my mind..."just be with me".

I didn't have to go anywhere at all today. I could have just stayed at home. God just wanted me to be with Him. "Just be with me, stop searching for answers, stop asking questions, and just be". Of course, I asked another question, what does that even mean? Just be. I am not sure that I know, but I guess I am going to find out as I just be.

Exhausted part 2

So I figured out yesterday, I was exhausted. As I laid down to go to bed, I started bawling. This usually happens when I am exhausted or having a panic attack, since I know I was not having a panic attack I know it was because of exhaustion. It might have been exhaustion mixed in with a little frustration, anxiety, and delayed emotions that all decided they were going to come out at once. My sleep last night was restless and I woke up with this feeling of just wanting to cry and stay in bed, but I knew I had to get up and go help with orientation. I am glad that I decided to help with orientation, because I have really enjoyed helping out and meeting the new students. Today, I got to act like a messy student with bad manners in a skit for the students on how not to act in the classroom. I also got to chat with students in between their sessions and get to know a few of them a little bit better.

Afterwards, I took a new family downtown to get a cellphone and then I got to spend the rest of the day with my new friend Candace and her family. It was great to be able to spend the day with them and laugh. It was a lot of fun to just be able to relax. There were times that I laughed so hard that I almost cried, it was great. I can tell this tri-mester that Candace and I are going to have a lot of fun together.

But for now I am still exhausted and going to bed. I am going to pray until I fall asleep tonight and then in the morning I will be cut off from society for the day. I need a day to just be alone with God. I shall return home tomorrow evening and blog.

I feel like I should ask you all to pray for me tomorrow as I spend my day with God. I am not sure what you can pray about but if you would just pray I would appreciate, thanks.

"I have not be given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." - 2 Timothy 1:7 

I don't like writing blogs when I upset, but I am going to write this one because I am working on expressing my feelings and communicating even when I feel like I can't or when I find it difficult. It is always easier when you are frustrated or upset not to talk or work through your issues, but I don't think that is the way it should be. For me at times, I find it almost physically impossible to talk or communicate when I am in the beginning of a panic attack. You know I don't get easily frustrated or hurt, but when I do it really bothers me and makes me really upset then I start to cry a lot. I think this contributes to my panic attacks because really inside I am a sensitive person, I just try not to show it. I use to view it as a weakness, but now I am trying to embrace it.

My sensitive side is just as important to God as my strong independent side so I am learning to deal with the reality of who I am and who God has made me to be. To be honest, I will admit I don't always like what I see that is why I try to see myself a little less each day through my eyes and more through God's eyes. This is not an easy thing to do, but through His word I am learning more and more about being made in His image and what that means. I am learning about not just accepting who you are, but really loving who you are, because God sees all of you and loves you. Even though, at times I see me and I am like, "really God you love that about me because that part of me I would kind of like to change," and I never know maybe God would like to transform that part of me or maybe He likes that part of me the way it is, but either way I need to learn to love me.

I take on a lot of guilt and shame that I don't need to take on, especially when I have done all of the things that I am capable of doing to correct any wrongs that I have made. This where I am learning to let it go and give it over to God. I also take on guilt for petty things that I shouldn't feel guilty about and sometimes have no control over. I find myself saying, "I feel bad" a lot when I have nothing to feel bad about. I have a friend here who has been trying to help me work this, but it is not easy. I don't like letting others down or doing things wrong, which of course we all know is unavoidable in life because you can't make everyone happy and everyone makes mistakes. To be completely honest, I do many things out of guilt and that is not the way it should be.

Exploring...

Ever since I was a child I have had this curiosity for life. I just love learning about new things and exploring new places. I love learning about people and trying to figure out why people do what they do and why people act the way that they act. This has been both a good thing and a bad thing. Sometimes my curiosity has led to some not so good experiences or situations, but as we get older we learn and I have learned from those experiences. I love the thrill of discovering new things and doing new things, and that is something that I have continually prayed to God about because I never want where I go or what I do to be based solely off of my own feelings or desires. I want God to be the leader of my life. I know that His ways are good.

Today, the new students and I went to downtown San Jose. I gave them a tour of the area and took them to most of the key locations (National Theater, National Park, National Museum, two of the main markets, and then we visited some of the stores and other parks in the downtown area). We grabbed some coffee, which of course is a must in Costa Rica, and then later on we had some ice cream from Pops, which I believe is also a necessary stop when in Costa Rica. Our day was packed, but it was a lot of fun. Even though I enjoyed showing my new friends these places, what I really enjoyed was getting to know them on a deeper level while we walked around the city.

It is so interesting to see how God brings so many different people from so many different backgrounds together in one place. I love it. Everyone has a different story and I love hearing about how God is working in and through their lives. God is truly amazing. I am looking forward to exploring more of this beautiful country with these wonderful people.

Please pray for all of the new students that will be attending ILE this tri-mester.  Pray over their time of transitioning into a new culture and as they begin orientation in the morning.

What a day :-)

This morning things went better than planned for the airport runs. All of the students I am helping arrived with all of their luggage and since one flight was delayed, I was able to pick up all of the students using the same car and driver, which saved them both money. Kate and Patrick are from Pennsylvania and West Virginia, they are the couple that will be living with me. Both of them are very nice and friendly, and I am looking forward to getting to know them more. Candace is from California and she lives about a block away. I love her energy and excitement. I can already tell she is going to be a fun girl to be around. Star has been here for a week and has already made herself right at home in her apartment. I love her sense of adventure and her independence. I can't wait to go back to school and meet the rest of the new students. I can already tell that they are going to be a good class.

Also today, I had another unexpected, but nice surprise as one of the host mom's of one of the students asked if I would help her practice English and in return she would practice Spanish with me. I kind of laughed because I knew that my Spanish the past two times we talked has been rough and I thought that maybe she was trying to tell me something. Although, it is okay with me I would love to be able to practice my Spanish and help her with her English (teaching English is something I have considered doing the past couple of years). I am looking forward to our first meeting on Wednesday.

I love meeting new people and building new relationships so today was a good day. I am excited to see what God has in store for this upcoming tri-mester and I am excited to go back to school. I feel like a little kid who wants to go back and see her friends, but really I just want to go back and learn more Spanish. This break has really helped me refresh some of my Spanish while at the same time pointing out my weaknesses.