So I thought this morning that I would be spending the whole day at a park, just me and God. However, I am not sure where my mind was or has been because I literally could not focus. I sat at this new place trying to pray and my mind was a complete blank. I really could not focus enough to pray so I just spoke to God like I normally do like He is right next to me, and still nothing. I usually feel sometime of leading and today nothing.
So then I opened my Bible and began reading where I left off the other night in Leviticus. Well, it didn't seem like today was an infectious disease kind of day so I read a few chapters and then I did the thing that some people say you shouldn't do. I just left my Bible open and I let the breeze blow the pages around until it stopped (kind of the same idea of just opening your Bible and reading whatever page it opens to). My Bible laid open in Isaiah so I started reading and going through a couple chapters, but then I stopped and this question came to my mind, "what am I searching for"?
Why did I take 2 bus rides out to this park to "be with God"? Why I am out here? Why am I not at home resting? Why is God not giving me any kind of direction today? Why am I not at peace? Why am I still anxious and not able to relax?
I then packed up my things and started to head home. I sat on the bench at the bus stop for a good 20 minutes trying to figure out which bus I should take to go home then I stopped looking for the bus and I just sat there. In case you haven't noticed, I asked a lot of why questions today and then as I sat there I began to ask more questions.
God, why are you hiding your face from me? Why can't I relax? Then as I sat there at this bus stop where I had no idea where I was...it came to me, why am I trying so hard to relax and to be with God? Why in the world did I come all the way out to this park? Why didn't I just stay back in downtown San Jose where I feel the most relaxed? Or better yet, why didn't I just stay at home? Why did I feel like I had to go anywhere at all?
These words then entered my mind..."just be with me".
I didn't have to go anywhere at all today. I could have just stayed at home. God just wanted me to be with Him. "Just be with me, stop searching for answers, stop asking questions, and just be". Of course, I asked another question, what does that even mean? Just be. I am not sure that I know, but I guess I am going to find out as I just be.
