I don't like writing blogs when I upset, but I am going to write this one because I am working on expressing my feelings and communicating even when I feel like I can't or when I find it difficult. It is always easier when you are frustrated or upset not to talk or work through your issues, but I don't think that is the way it should be. For me at times, I find it almost physically impossible to talk or communicate when I am in the beginning of a panic attack. You know I don't get easily frustrated or hurt, but when I do it really bothers me and makes me really upset then I start to cry a lot. I think this contributes to my panic attacks because really inside I am a sensitive person, I just try not to show it. I use to view it as a weakness, but now I am trying to embrace it.

My sensitive side is just as important to God as my strong independent side so I am learning to deal with the reality of who I am and who God has made me to be. To be honest, I will admit I don't always like what I see that is why I try to see myself a little less each day through my eyes and more through God's eyes. This is not an easy thing to do, but through His word I am learning more and more about being made in His image and what that means. I am learning about not just accepting who you are, but really loving who you are, because God sees all of you and loves you. Even though, at times I see me and I am like, "really God you love that about me because that part of me I would kind of like to change," and I never know maybe God would like to transform that part of me or maybe He likes that part of me the way it is, but either way I need to learn to love me.

I take on a lot of guilt and shame that I don't need to take on, especially when I have done all of the things that I am capable of doing to correct any wrongs that I have made. This where I am learning to let it go and give it over to God. I also take on guilt for petty things that I shouldn't feel guilty about and sometimes have no control over. I find myself saying, "I feel bad" a lot when I have nothing to feel bad about. I have a friend here who has been trying to help me work this, but it is not easy. I don't like letting others down or doing things wrong, which of course we all know is unavoidable in life because you can't make everyone happy and everyone makes mistakes. To be completely honest, I do many things out of guilt and that is not the way it should be.