Reading Romans

I have been doing a lot of jumping around in my Bible lately and I think it is about time to start focusing my reading again on Romans. Last night before going to bed, I decided to start reading where I left off in Romans again only to find that the some of the verses that have been on my heart lately are all found in Romans 8. Go figure. Then this morning when I woke up and started checking my e-mail, I found this e-mail from a friend of mine who shares his weekly sermons online. Guess, where the verses are found for this week's sermon? You got it in Romans 8. Let me share with you what my friend, Eric Elder, wrote.

Knowing That God Is For You

Lesson 20 from Romans: Lessons In Renewing Your Mind

By Eric Elder
www.theranch.org

Last week, I talked about how God can work ALL things together for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.  This week, I want share why God works all things for your good.  It comes because, ultimately, God is FOR you.  And if God is FOR you, who can be against you?  That's the question the Apostle Paul asks at the end of Romans chapter 8:

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all—how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us” (Romans 8:31-34).

It's easy to wonder sometimes if God is really FOR you.  You lose your job and it makes you wonder what happened.  You get a horrible report from the doctor and you wonder what you did wrong.  You open an email from a friend to discover some news you wish you had never read and you wonder how God could be working in this, too.
Yet the truth is that God IS for you.  He loves you deeply and cares about your life more than you could possibly imagine.  He is as heartbroken about the things that break our hearts as we are, yet He has a perspective that is greater than ours.  He can see the good in situations that we can hardly grasp while we're going through it.  
Often it's only through hindsight that we can see what God saw in foresight.  That job loss wasn't the worst thing that happened to our career after all, but actually helped us leapfrog forward.  That bad report from the doctor turned out to deepen our faith rather than shatter it.  And that email from a friend brought situations to light that never could have been dealt with had they stayed in the dark.
If only we could have the foresight that God has, we would be able to weather the storms that come at us much better.  If we could see things as He sees them, our minds would be refreshed rather than distraught when seemingly bad news comes along.  Today, I'd like to give you a lens through which you can look at everything that comes your way, and see it in foresight rather than waiting till it's long past to see it in hindsight.  
The lens of life comes through looking at everything through the cross of Christ.  Rather than be tossed to and fro by the storms of your life that come along, God has settled that matter once and for all when He sent Jesus to die for your sins.  He didn't have to come along and rescue you, but He did.  God didn't wait until you were cleaned up and doing good for Him to send Jesus to die, but, as Paul said in Romans 5:8:

"While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

If this question is settled, why then do we still wonder if God loves us when things go wrong in our lives?  Why do we wonder why funds seem to have dried up, or job opportunities seem limited, or our health or relationships seem to be falling apart?  It's a natural feeling, I know, but it's not the truth.  If God loved you when you were still in the muck and mire of sin, why would he then abandon you when you're trying your hardest to follow Him?
My wife and I have felt this before.  After giving birth to three healthy children, my wife had a miscarriage.  It was a blow to us emotionally and personally.  Then she had a second miscarriage.  Then a third.  Then a fourth.  It was as if everything we were doing was falling apart.  Yet we felt like we were giving our all for the cause of Christ more than ever before.  It was natural to wonder what we were doing wrong.
Yet it was during a time of worship when my wife had a breakthrough.  She was listening to a Don Moen worship CD about the healing power of Jesus when she finally surrendered to whatever God's will was for her in this area of her life.  
She wasn't happy about the miscarriages, but she knew that all she could do was to trust Him completely.  She had asked herself all the important questions, trying to find out if there was anything she was doing to contribute to these miscarriages, but finding nothing, there was no more she could do but to trust in God.  She did, and God gave her the peace that passes understanding, that somehow, in some way, He would work all things for her good.
What happened next, we don't know, but she became pregnant again and this time she was able to carry the child to full term, giving birth to our fourth child.  Then came a fifth, and eventually a sixth.  Whether the turnaround in her heart and mind had anything to do with the turnaround in the situation, we still don't know.  But what we do know is that when she came to the end of herself and put her faith in Christ again, she regained the peace that God was indeed FOR her.  And regardless of what happened after that, she was going to be able to praise God.
I have felt the same in other areas of my life at times.  When I'm praying to God for funding for a special project, or just for our daily needs as we minister to others, it sometimes feels like pulling teeth.  Like I'm begging God to do something for me that I know He doesn't have to do, but that I wish He would do for our sake and the sake of those we're trying to reach through our ministry.
Then I think about what God has already done for me through Christ, and it's like I put on a whole new set of glasses and can finally see what God is wanting me to see.  Rather than wondering what I'm doing wrong, I start to see things from God's perspective.  I start to see that there's nothing that God would withhold from me, if He thought it was for my good.  As Paul said:

"If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all—how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:31-32).

I sometimes think I'm asking God for too much when I ask for money—whether it's ten dollars, or a hundred, or a thousand.  But then I remember what He's already done for me.  If someone were to give you ten dollars, or a hundred, or a thousand, they'd be giving up a lot for you.  What if they gave you ten thousand, or ten million, then they'd really be paying a price.  
But what about someone who's gone to war for you, and lost an arm or a leg for you, so you could be free?  If someone gave up their arm for you, that's way more than ten million dollars.  Now imagine if they gave up their life for you.  What price could you put on that?  And then, to take it a step further, they not only were willing to give their life for you, but their most cherished possession, their child, so that you could live?  Now we're talking priceless to the n-th degree.  And that's what God has done for us by sending Jesus to die for us.  And we're worried that God doesn't love us because He doesn't give us ten bucks?  Or ten thousand?  Or ten million?
The truth is, there's nothing God wouldn't do for you.  He loves you, and He is, overwhelmingly, FOR you.  He wants to work all things for good in your life because He created you.  He has a purpose for your life.  And He wants to see you fulfill that purpose.  
Don't ever think that because you don't get what you want, when you want it, that God doesn't love you.  It's a lie.  There may be other reasons involved, and their may be things that God wants you to change, or redirect, or pray differently about.  But it's not because He doesn't love you.  He's already proven that point beyond arguing.  And when you look at what's going on in your present situation through the lens of what He's done for you in the past, you'll see it clearly too.  You'll have the foresight that most people only get in hindsight.  Your mind will be fixed on the good that God is doing and wants to do through you, rather than the bad that may seem to be engulfing you.  This isn't just positive thinking.  This is godly thinking.  This is looking at life as God sees it—the God who created you and the whole universe that you inhabit.  
Once you see that God is for you, you'll become convinced, like the Apostle Paul was, that there is nothing else in life that can separate you from His love.  Nothing!  As Paul said in the conclusion of chapter 8:

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? … No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:37-39).

What can separate you from the love of God?  It's the same answer to today's riddle:  Nothing!
God loves you and would do anything for you.  He's already demonstrated that.  Now your role is to believe it and live it out in spite of whatever you might be facing today.  Remember:  God is FOR you!

Walking Home...

Everything is going to be okay, but that is not because you are an optimist or because of anything you do. Everything is going to be okay because I am in control. I am God.

Those are the words that came into my head tonight as I walked home from an incredible day. As I walked I took a deep breath, more like a sigh of relief, and began thanking God for all of His many blessings. I have been stressed this week and today I have been having this feeling of just not being good enough. As I prayed God reminded me of who He is. I have been more than blessed, and that is not because I am good enough, smart enough, or liked enough. I have been blessed not because of anything that I have done or deserved. God out of His goodness, grace, and faithfulness, out of who He is has given me more than enough. He always has and He always will.

The God who made the world and all things in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands; nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things; and He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation, that they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said, ‘For we also are His children.'

Acts 17:24-28

For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Matthew 6:25-33

Fear

Fearing God. This is what I have been learning about for the past week. I started focusing on God's character/attributes in order to get a better picture of who God is. I wanted to get a better of who God is in order to fully understand why I should have a holy fear of God.

Psalm 25:12-14
Who is the man who fears the LORD?
He will instruct him in the way he should choose.
His soul will abide in prosperity,
And his descendants will inherit the land.
The secret of the LORD is for those who fear Him, 
And He will make them know His covenant.

Psalm 33:6-9
By the word of the LORD the heavens were made,
And by the breath of His mouth all their host.
He gathers the waters of the sea together as a heap;
He lays up the deeps in storehouses.
Let all the earth fear the LORD;
Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him.
For He spoke, and it was done;
He commanded, and it stood fast.


God has the power to do anything He pleases. He has authority over all things including us for we are apart of His creation. He lifts us up in our time of need and because of His grace and mercy we can be called children of God. Not only are we His children but we are also His friends. What a privilege that is. We have to be careful though not to downsize who God is, even though we are His children and His friends...we are also His slaves, but thank God that we serve a good and loving Master, who causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him (Rom. 8:28).

Having a healthy fear of God is a good thing. A healthy and holy fear of God is good and beneficial as we see in Psalm 25:12-14. God promises good to those who fear Him (Psalm 31:19-20). Really, how can you not fear God when you see His power and holiness (Psalm 33:6-9)? For I know that I am unworthy and it is only through Christ that I stand, it is only in Christ that I can be called a child of God. In knowing this and seeing my own weaknesses, I fear the Lord, but out of His love, grace, and mercy He comforts me with His Spirit. I fear the Lord because He alone is holy. Out of this fear of the Lord, I can also find rest and peace. For if I fear the Lord alone, who is all-knowing, all-powerful, and always present, then what else do I have to fear (Psalm 27:1-3)? Nothing.

Psalm 31:19-20
How abundant are the good things
   that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
   on those who take refuge in you.
In the shelter of your presence you hide them
   from all human intrigues;
you keep them safe in your dwelling
   from accusing tongues.

Psalm 27:1-3
The LORD is my light and my salvation—
   whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
   of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked advance against me
   to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
   who will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me,
   my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
   even then I will be confident. 

The Lord is...
Faithful
Good
Holy
All-knowing
All-powerful
Unchangeable
Always present
Creator
Sovereign
King of kings and Lord of lords
Trustworthy
Love
Righteous
Savior
Redeemer
Pure
True
Majestic
Warrior
Peace
Friend
Sustainer
Great
Gracious
Merciful
Judge
Patient
Compassionate
Perfect
Master

For the past week or so, I have been dwelling on the characteristics/attributes of God, it has been amazing. He is amazing. I have also realized that my perspective on God has got to change.

I tend to sometimes "dumb-down" God in my head because the god in my head does not always look like the one true God. The god in my head I can control and has limits, and the more I see God for who He is the more I realize that the god in my head does not always reflect the one true God. Needless to say my living does not always reflect the one true God, for how can I reflect God if I do not have a correct perspective on who God is.

Our perspectives on God matters, because our actions and how we live day to day matter. Our daily living should reflect the one true God, but in order to do that we need to put into perspective who God is. We need to get rid of the god in our minds and focus on the one true God.

The Marks of Immaturity, and How to Keep Growing

I recently found this blog post by John MacArthur and I loved it. As some of you know, God has been teaching me about the importance of spiritual maturity so I wanted to share with you a post about this topic.

The Marks of Immaturity, and How to Keep Growing (link)
 By: John MacArthur  
 
Selfishness is one telltale sign of immaturity. Babies are completely self-centered. They scream if they don't get what they want when they want it. All they are aware of are their own needs and desires. They never say thanks for anything. They can't help others; they can't give anything. They can only receive.


And certainly there's nothing wrong with that when it occurs in the natural stage of infancy. But to see a child whose development is arrested so that he never gets beyond that stage of helpless selfishness—that is a tragedy.

And that is exactly the spiritual state of multitudes in the church today. They are utterly preoccupied with self. They want their own problems solved and their own comfort elevated. Their spiritual development is arrested, and they remain in a perpetual state of selfish helplessness. It is evidence of a tragic abnormality.

Arrested infancy, in turn, results in a lack of discernment. Just as a baby crawls along the floor, putting anything it finds in its mouth, spiritual babies don't know what is good for them and what isn't. Immaturity and failure to be discerning go together; they are virtually the same thing.

The tendency to stall in a state of immaturity also existed in New Testament times. Paul appealed to Christians repeatedly to grow up spiritually. In Ephesians 4:14-15, he wrote, “We are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves, and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him, who is the head, even Christ” (emphasis added).

How do we grow spiritually? By “speaking the truth in love” to one another. We grow under the truth. It is the same truth by which we are sanctified, conformed to the image of Christ, made to be mature spiritually (John 17:17, 19). As we absorb the truth of God’s Word, we grow up and are built up. We might say accurately that the process of spiritual growth is a process of training for discernment.

Hebrews 5:12—6:1 underscores all this:

Though by this time you ought to be teachers, you have need again for someone to teach you the elementary principles of the oracles of God, and you have come to need milk and not solid food. For everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is a babe. But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil. Therefore leaving the elementary teaching about the Christ, let us press on to maturity.

The writer of Hebrews was telling his readers, “You're babies. You've been around long enough to be teachers, but instead I have to feed you milk. I have to keep giving you elementary things. You can't take solid food. You're not accustomed to the rich things of the Word—and that is tragic.”

Notice that in verse 14 he says discernment and maturity go hand in hand: “solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil.” Knowing and understanding the Word of righteousness—taking in solid food—trains your senses to discern good and evil.

The word “senses” in that verse is not a reference to the feelings, emotions, or other subjective sensory mechanisms. The writer of this epistle is explicitly encouraging his readers to exercise their minds. Those who “because of practice have their senses trained to discern” are the wise, the understanding, people who thrive on the solid food of the Word of God. As we have seen from the beginning, discernment results from a carefully disciplined mind. Discernment is not a matter of feelings, nor is it a mystical gift. Notice from the wisdom literature of the Old Testament how closely discernment is linked with a seasoned, developed, biblically informed mind.

• Psalm 119:66: “Teach me good discernment and knowledge, for I believe in Thy commandments.”

• Proverbs 2:2-5: “Make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understanding; for if you cry for discernment, lift your voice for understanding; if you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will discern the fear of the Lord, and discover the knowledge of God.”

• Proverbs 10:13: “On the lips of the discerning, wisdom is found.”

• Proverbs 16:21: “The wise in heart will be called discerning.”

The path to discernment is the way of spiritual maturity. And the only means to spiritual maturity is mastery of the Word of God.

Most people are discerning about things that are important to them. People who regard a healthy diet as crucial watch carefully what they eat. They read the fine print on the package to see how many grams of fat it has and what percentage of the daily required nutrients it offers.

People who work with pesticides or dangerous chemicals must be very discerning. They study the procedures and the precautions very carefully to avoid any potentially lethal exposure.

People who make investments in the stock market usually practice discernment. They study the cryptic listings in the newspaper on the stock market and watch the ticker tape.

Lawyers are very discerning with contracts. They have to figure out the legal jargon and make sure they understand what they are signing.

People who undergo delicate surgery are usually very discerning. They try to find the doctor with the finest skills—or at least verify that he has plenty of experience in whatever procedure he will be doing.

I know lots of people who are very discerning sports enthusiasts. They watch a football game and can assess any offense, any defense, any play. They often feel they are more discerning than whoever is calling the actual plays. They study statistics and averages and take it all very seriously.

Did you realize those are essentially the same skills that are required in spiritual discernment? Careful thought, keen interest, thorough analysis, close observation—together with alertness, attentiveness, thoughtfulness, and above all, a love of truth. All of us have those skills to some degree, and we use them in whatever field of endeavor is important to us.

Yet what could be more important than spiritual discernment?

There is no valid explanation for why contemporary Christians are so undiscerning—but it reveals a spiritual apathy that is deadly evil.

Can the church regain her ability to be discerning? Only by growing up spiritually. That means confronting the spirit of a relativistic age and diligently applying ourselves to the unfailing Word of God. We cannot gain discernment overnight, or through a mystical experience. Understanding the problem is not the answer. Discernment will come only as we train our minds to be understanding in the truth of God’s Word and learn to apply that truth skillfully to our lives.

*The link to the original post can be found by clicking on the title. (October 26, 2011)

Divorce...My Letter to A Friend

This blog/letter goes out to one of my dear friends. Thank you for being such a great friend. May God comfort you in your time of need and lift you up.

As you know, my parents were separated before I was born and when I was 2 years old my mother remarried. Even though, my parents were separated before I was born and I have blessed with a wonderful "step-dad" ( I don't like that word because he has never been a step-dad in my eyes). With that said, even though I have been blessed with a wonderful family I still had to deal with the effects of my parents' divorce. I still had to deal with awkward family visits and all of those crazy emotions that go along with that.

Over the years, I have had to deal with my feelings of abandonment and rejection. I know this might sound crazy, but I have even had to deal with guilt from my parents' divorce. I didn't feel guilty about the actual divorce, but in some ways I did feel guilty for the pain that followed. For many years, I struggled with finding my place among my family members. Then when things got too hard, I tried to isolate myself from one of my parents and some of my family and that didn't work out so well (I wouldn't recommend it). I struggled a lot with forgiveness and even to this day there are times when I still struggle with this. I have to continually be bringing my negative emotions and thoughts before God and repenting of my sin and forgiving my dad for his.

After a divorce, things become difficult. Life becomes more difficult. I wish I could say that some day your life will feel "normal" again, but it never will. Your life is forever changed. Your relationship with your parents is forever changed. You will feel hurt, betrayed, and rejected. You might start to feel guilty or think that you did something wrong, but don't believe those lies. There is nothing you could have done to change anything. You don't control your parents' actions or decisions. I know you have already started learning about the sin in your parents' lives and you will be angry at one or both of them. You will start to see your parents with a different point of view. They are no longer the parents that you had put up on a pedestal as a young girl, instead now they are just people with messy screwed up lives. This is my advice to you. Forgive them. Both them. Seriously both of your parents love you. I know this to be true. This has taken me a long time to actually believe in my own life but it is true. One parent (or even both) just has a really REALLY crappy way of showing it, but be patient and full of forgiveness. They are still your parents and I know you love them so don't hold on to that anger and resentment.

Also, from now on in some situations with your parents you might have to be the "adult". I know this isn't fair because you are their child, but this is something you have to do. We are past the age when we think that our parents know everything, we have already figured out that they don't, so let them learn from your actions. Set an example of love and forgiveness for them, and pray for them often. They are both hurting as much as you are, even if they don't show it. Also, I know this will be hard at least it was for me and I can imagine it will be for you too, but don't take sides. Don't choose one parent over the other or gossip back and forth between your parents. Be honest with your mom and dad and tell them how you are feeling and when you are hurting. Don't store those emotions up, they will just come back later.

In all of this don't loose hope. Cling to God. He sees your struggles and He loves you more than your parents ever could. For He created you and formed you. He knew you before your parents knew you. You are a daughter of the Most High. Remember that and glorify Him in everything you think, say, and do.

And last but not least remember you are not in this alone. You are not the first person/daughter to go through a divorce and you will not be the last. Know that I am always here for you and I love you.

This weekend has been great in many ways. I have had many good conversations with friends about God. I absolutely love spending time with my sisters in Christ talking about God and His love. I also got to see the kids yesterday which is always a blessing. I love those kids. This week we talked about David and Goliath and the kids loved it. Each week the kids interact more with the lesson and with the activities we are doing, which is exciting to see. A couple of the kids which normally have kind of a grumpy attitude and don't smile, smiled this week! Which of course made me smile, I love it when Sharon smiles and interacts with the teachers and the other children. There were also a few new girls who came to the class and are coming back next week. There were also more classroom helpers from within the community. A couple of the girls are teenagers who have children in our class and one teenage girl just decided to start helping, I love it. This week I tried interacting more with the helpers and the other teachers. I am not sure what God is going to do with this but I am excited to see what happens. Discipleship is something that God has been placing on my heart.

I am going to be very transparent so God guide my words as I write. A couple of weeks ago, there was a sermon in church about Hebrews 5:12-14....

For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you have need again for someone to teach you the elementary principles of the oracles of God, and you have come to need milk and not solid food. For everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is an infant. But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil.

This sermon really stuck with me and it still is. You see for months I have been struggling with God. I came here and thought okay God help me learn Spanish and train me for ministry and has He ever! Not only has He given me a language lesson, but He has completely ripped open my mind, my heart, and my eyes. At first, I will admit I was angry. I complained and called out to God, asking why in the world would He take me to this country only to bring up things that I didn't want to talk about. I stayed for along time in the dark dwelling in my own self-pity and crying a lot. I will admit I was completely lost and depressed. I just wanted to run and hide, but I am in Costa Rica and the only place I could "run to" was downtown San Jose. All of my security blankets in life had been stripped away and here I am in Costa Rica trying to pick up the pieces of my life and hold everything together.

The streets of downtown San Jose became my friend in the middle of my first trimester. I am not sure why God brought me comfort when I walked those streets but He did. In some way, He was using those streets to reach out to me. I would look around and see people smiling and laughing, but then I would look into the eyes of some people and see the same sadness in their eyes as the sadness that I was trying to hold inside. I felt broken and lost. In the midst of all of this, I would get glimpses of hope through words of encouragement that were spoken to me or that I would find in Scripture, but honestly I never really took those words to heart. I am not sure why, believe me I wanted to but as soon as that hope and comfort would come I felt like it was taken away. I had this spiritual blindness over my eyes and as much as I struggled and pushed my way towards God, I was growing weak inside. I knew something was wrong. Looking back I can see God in my moments of weakness and sorrow, and I know that in my blogs you can see Him to because all of things that I have written about are things that He was teaching me or trying to.

However, this sadness and darkness continued into my second trimester, this trimester. God gave me someone who I felt I could open up to and talk with, but I often felt guilty and shame for opening up to her. I thought for sure she would runaway or reject me at some point and then I would be left alone again, just me and God (who I thought was clearly not answering me). I thought I had to bear all of these issues myself. I thought there is something wrong with me and if I can't fix it then how is someone else going to be able to fix it. I wanted to be "fixed" as if I were in a truck that was broken down on the side of the road. I was just waiting for it (my life) to start back up again or for someone to pass-by the road and offer to lift me out of this state of mind. Well, there was no quick fixes. You see things got worst before they got better. God sent a few people into my life to help me but they helped me by holding me accountable and by asking hard questions (which is exactly what I needed but that was not what I wanted). They asked questions that frankly I didn't want to answer and that I thought I didn't have the answers to. In all of this, I failed to really acknowledge God as my master and as my Lord. I was trying to fix everything on my own, I was in some way trying to play the role of god in my life, as if I could have control over everything.

God has and continues to be faithful in all of this. The more I continued opening up my mind and my heart to others and the more I started being honest not only with others but also myself, the more God started revealing Himself to me. I started to see more of God for who He is (my Lord, Savior, Master, Redeemer, Friend, and First love) and who I am (a rebellious, self-centered, sinful girl who is saved by grace and seated in Christ in the heavenly realms, a child of God made in His image). I have for many years lived on spiritual milk and at this time when I should be teaching I have had to be taught the basic principles of the faith all over again. This was hard for me and very humbling. God has had to allow me to be broken down in order to lift me up in Christ. God continues to train me and guide me on the path of righteousness. I have always made excuses for my behavior and for my actions, but now I am calling them what they are disobedience to God. I no longer want to live in disobedience but in obedience. I want to live with an eternal mindset and glorify God in everything I do. I know there will be times when I fail, but thank God that my victory is Christ, whose Spirit lives within me. Guilt, shame, and worry will no longer control me but the love, grace, and peace of God will.

"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only, that but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us". - Romans 5:1-5