Well today was a strange day. I woke up this morning full of energy and ready to go, but my mind was elsewhere. I didn't feel like going to church today or being around people, so I separated myself from all English speakers for most of the day. Instead of going to the church I normally go to I went to a Catholic church and attended mass. I went downtown to a church called Catedral Metropolitana.
Every time I go to mass, I automatically think of my grandparents. While growing up, every now and then I would attend mass with one of my grandparents. I like attending mass, but of course my beliefs don't match up with that of the Catholic church. I attended mass this morning in order to gain more of a cultural insight into Costa Rica. When I walked into the church I was speechless. I have never seen that many people in one church building (and I have been to a few of the mega churches in the USA). The Catedral Metropolitana is huge and has over six services. However, this morning there were still thousands of people in that church at 12pm. I had to stand along the back wall along with the others who showed up on time. There was just no room for people to sit so as the service went on others would come and stand along the walls or in the doorways.
I stood there in amazement and in sadness looking around at the people and I tried following the service the best that I could. I recited along with the rest of the people the things that I believe and would stop when we got to something that I didn't. I stayed for most of the service, but I left before communion. Once I left I started walking around and doing a prayer walk.
I also started to people watch and I tried to observe some of the cultural things that I learned in my language class about the woman's role in the culture. I wanted to see if I could see any single women walking around by themselves and I also tried to see if there were any groups of women, who were not related, in a group without a man. The single women that I did see were either coming from church with their mother or another family member, going to work (they were dressed in a uniform) or coming from work, and the others were on their way home. I hardly saw any women walking around by themselves without a man or their mother. I then thought wow I must stick out more than I thought because I walk around all the time by myself. I also eat by myself in restaurants, which I know is culturally not acceptable. I have seen two women eating by themselves at different places, but one was on break from work (she worked at the restaurant) and the other one was married (and I think she was also a student at a university because she was studying textbooks and doing what looked like homework). You see, if you are a single woman in Costa Rica then you stay at home unless you are out with a guy, going to or coming home from work, or going to church. It is not common to see women out walking around by themselves, especially if they are older women.
After, I finished having lunch. I continued walking around and people watching. I tried to find my favorite street artists, but I didn't see any of them out today so I headed home to do homework. Afterwards, I went and had dinner with a group of students which was a lot of fun. It felt nice to be around people after being by myself all day. I love laughing and talking with friends.
Yesterday, I was also able to have dinner with a good friend, which was really nice. During the day, I was able to go to Valle del Sol and see the kiddos. Kate and Audrey, two girls from the school, joined me. It was wonderful as always. I love seeing those kids every week. I am really going to miss seeing them this weekend when I am in Panama. This weekend they are having a party, which I know is going to be a lot of fun.
September 11, 2011
Only Love Remains - JJ Heller
Scenes of you come rushing through
You are breaking me down
So break me into pieces
That will grow in the ground
I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart
Please kill the liar
Kill the thief in me
You know that I am tired of their cruelty
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains
You burn away the ropes that bind
And hold me to the earth
The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
I begin to see reality
For the first time in my life
I know that I’m a shadow
But I’m dancing in your light
Teach me to be humble
Call me from the grave
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains
You are breaking me down
So break me into pieces
That will grow in the ground
I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart
Please kill the liar
Kill the thief in me
You know that I am tired of their cruelty
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains
You burn away the ropes that bind
And hold me to the earth
The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
I begin to see reality
For the first time in my life
I know that I’m a shadow
But I’m dancing in your light
Teach me to be humble
Call me from the grave
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains
September 09, 2011
Grammar Test...Done!
This morning, I had my first test of the tri-mester in Grammar. I think I did good, but I will find out on Monday. In class today, I made my teacher laugh because I was so excited to be moving on to the second part of book that said, "Second Tri-mester". I am so looking forward to this tri. It has started out great and I have no doubts that it will end great.
Tonight, I organized a movie night for some of the single students and couples at the school. Having a night to relax and be with friends, is a great way to relax. The movie is yet to be decided because students are voting on the movie as they arrive.
A week from today, I will be heading off to Panama with a group of students. Please pray for us as we travel out of the country.
Oh and I made some progress today with my anxiety. This morning I felt myself getting stressed out and I tried to put into practice the things I have been learning. I stopped and thought, "Why are you getting worked up? What is the worse that can happen if all your fears and worries were to become a reality?". I thought about God and His Word, and instantly my stress and anxiety went away. Thank you Lord.
Tonight, I organized a movie night for some of the single students and couples at the school. Having a night to relax and be with friends, is a great way to relax. The movie is yet to be decided because students are voting on the movie as they arrive.
A week from today, I will be heading off to Panama with a group of students. Please pray for us as we travel out of the country.
Oh and I made some progress today with my anxiety. This morning I felt myself getting stressed out and I tried to put into practice the things I have been learning. I stopped and thought, "Why are you getting worked up? What is the worse that can happen if all your fears and worries were to become a reality?". I thought about God and His Word, and instantly my stress and anxiety went away. Thank you Lord.
September 08, 2011
Fear
Today was one of those days where I needed to be alone with God. I had started doing a Bible study late last night for homework (we had to pick out 4 verses in the Bible and explain in Spanish what they meant to us), but I never got to dive really deep into the study like I wanted to. Then this morning in class I had to share my verses, John 14:1-4, and explain what they meant to me. That was kind of difficult.
John 14:1-4
1Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.
After class, my heart was not content and I knew I needed to go back through those verses and finish my study. I needed to take my time reading through those verses and reading through the Bible study sheet that I have been given on those verses and really dwell on God's truth. My heart was restless today, but in the best possible way. Last night I got a small glimpse into what God was trying to say to me and today I just wanted to know more. I came home from school and took my time through this study. I even had to stop and take a nap during my study because I knew my mind needed to rest before it took in more Truth.
At this time, I can't really articulate everything that I am learning so I am going to give you just a glimpse into what I am learning:
John 14:1-4
1Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.
After class, my heart was not content and I knew I needed to go back through those verses and finish my study. I needed to take my time reading through those verses and reading through the Bible study sheet that I have been given on those verses and really dwell on God's truth. My heart was restless today, but in the best possible way. Last night I got a small glimpse into what God was trying to say to me and today I just wanted to know more. I came home from school and took my time through this study. I even had to stop and take a nap during my study because I knew my mind needed to rest before it took in more Truth.
At this time, I can't really articulate everything that I am learning so I am going to give you just a glimpse into what I am learning:
- It is okay to feel sad or distressed, but how you react to those difficult situations is what matters. What are you allowing to control you? Your emotions or God?
- When you are faced with a difficult situation stop and think. Don't let fear control you, you must refuse to panic. Choosing to not panic may not be a natural response, but it is possible.
- The reason that you do become panicked and overwhelmed is because you are not exercising your faith, by trusting in God and His character. Put your faith in Him and rely on Him.
- Your difficulties are not hidden from God. He knows the situation you are in and He knows the temptations you face.
- In times of difficulties and struggles, remember Heaven. Think about eternity and know that life is not going to be difficult forever. God is preparing a place for those who love Him.
- Everything has a purpose, that purpose is not always clear to us but rest in Him.
- God desires to be with His people. He desires to be with you.
- When times are hard and you feel like you have no where to go and you just want to freak out. Refuse to panic and know that you are not lost. You will not be in that situation forever, and you know the way, Jesus. Remember His promises.
- Fear is a matter of obedience.
September 07, 2011
Seeing the Signs...
These past 4 months at ILE have been incredible, thank you Lord.
After I finished writing my blog last night it hit me that it was 7 years ago that I made the decision to dedicate my life to ministry and missions. If you were to ask me before then what it is was that I wanted to do with my life my answer would have been, " to attend a state university and become a social worker in order to help families and children". The drive behind that decision was that I wanted to in some way for the better change the way the Department of Child and Family Services in the United States works. The problem back then was that God was not my focus. My focus was on what I could do not God.
If you were to ask me after I decided to dedicate my life to ministry and missions what I was going to do with my life I would have said something like this, "I don't know. I'll go where ever God leads me". My focus shifted from what I could do to what can God do through me. This was not an easy shift because I like to plan things out and have control so this was kind of terrifying to not know where I was going to end up. All my plans to go to a state university and get a degree in social work went out the window.
I can definitely tell you that I did not plan to travel around the world every year working with different ministries and different people. I can definitely tell you that I did not plan to graduate college with a missions, children's ministry, and Bible degree (I didn't even know those were degrees back then). I can definitely tell you that I did not plan to work as a children's ministry intern in Wisconsin and as a missions intern in Spain. I can definitely tell you that I did not plan to be in Costa Rica learning a second language and working in a ministry with children. Those were all things that I could never have planned on my own. God totally guided me every step of the way.
Before coming to Costa Rica, I did the same thing that I always do with God every time He asks me to go somewhere or do something that I am unsure of or that makes me feel uncomfortable. I have this time of going back and forth with Him in order to make sure that this is something that He wants me to do and that I am hearing Him clearly. He knows that I need clear signs in my life to show me that what I am doing is right and that He wants this too. He knows that I need confirmation and affirmation.
That is something that I have been very thankful for these past few months. God has been continually showing me clear signs of confirmation and affirmation that everything is going to be all right and that I am on the right track. I have always been able to see God's "signs" in my life, but there has been times in the past where I have purposely chosen to ignore them because He was confirming that I was doing something that I shouldn't be doing. You might ask why did I chose to ignore those signs, but my desires and God's desires did not always match up, there is a little something called sin that likes to get in the way. However, as I have grown and matured in Christ I have learned that these signs are there for a purpose. They are there because God has my best interest at heart and He knows what is best for me. He also knows when I need protection and strength to get through hard times. God knows me and He knows what I need even when I don't.
Making Him the leader of my life and the lover of my heart was the best decision I ever made.
After I finished writing my blog last night it hit me that it was 7 years ago that I made the decision to dedicate my life to ministry and missions. If you were to ask me before then what it is was that I wanted to do with my life my answer would have been, " to attend a state university and become a social worker in order to help families and children". The drive behind that decision was that I wanted to in some way for the better change the way the Department of Child and Family Services in the United States works. The problem back then was that God was not my focus. My focus was on what I could do not God.
If you were to ask me after I decided to dedicate my life to ministry and missions what I was going to do with my life I would have said something like this, "I don't know. I'll go where ever God leads me". My focus shifted from what I could do to what can God do through me. This was not an easy shift because I like to plan things out and have control so this was kind of terrifying to not know where I was going to end up. All my plans to go to a state university and get a degree in social work went out the window.
I can definitely tell you that I did not plan to travel around the world every year working with different ministries and different people. I can definitely tell you that I did not plan to graduate college with a missions, children's ministry, and Bible degree (I didn't even know those were degrees back then). I can definitely tell you that I did not plan to work as a children's ministry intern in Wisconsin and as a missions intern in Spain. I can definitely tell you that I did not plan to be in Costa Rica learning a second language and working in a ministry with children. Those were all things that I could never have planned on my own. God totally guided me every step of the way.
Before coming to Costa Rica, I did the same thing that I always do with God every time He asks me to go somewhere or do something that I am unsure of or that makes me feel uncomfortable. I have this time of going back and forth with Him in order to make sure that this is something that He wants me to do and that I am hearing Him clearly. He knows that I need clear signs in my life to show me that what I am doing is right and that He wants this too. He knows that I need confirmation and affirmation.
That is something that I have been very thankful for these past few months. God has been continually showing me clear signs of confirmation and affirmation that everything is going to be all right and that I am on the right track. I have always been able to see God's "signs" in my life, but there has been times in the past where I have purposely chosen to ignore them because He was confirming that I was doing something that I shouldn't be doing. You might ask why did I chose to ignore those signs, but my desires and God's desires did not always match up, there is a little something called sin that likes to get in the way. However, as I have grown and matured in Christ I have learned that these signs are there for a purpose. They are there because God has my best interest at heart and He knows what is best for me. He also knows when I need protection and strength to get through hard times. God knows me and He knows what I need even when I don't.
Making Him the leader of my life and the lover of my heart was the best decision I ever made.
September 06, 2011
Thank you Lord
When I was in Junior High I made a commitment to follow the Lord. In 2004, I dedicated my life to ministry and missions. Ever since then, I have been trying to live my life not for me, but for others. Of course, my selfishness gets in the way every now and then, but God always brings back to His truth. My life is not my own, I have been bought with a price. That is one thing I always try to remember. My focus needs to be on the Lord.
Ever since I arrived in Costa Rica, God has been peeling back the layers of my heart and revealing myself to me and revealing to me the areas in my life that need some improvements. There are certain areas in my life that need to be removed and filled with God's truth, and the only way to do that is by getting rid of everything that is not of God. This is not an easy process, but it is a necessary process. You see I don't want God to use just part of me, I want God to have all of me. My desire is to live for Him alone and to follow Him where ever He leads me.
Well this week He led me to the door of the ILE counseling office. I made an appointment yesterday and I had my appointment today. I went there because God has been working in my life and things have been changing and I am not sure how to deal with those changes or what to do about them. I needed a fresh set of eyes to look into my life and to help give me some direction. You see I don't want to be someone who 2 years from now joins a mission organization and goes into another country then has a mental breakdown and goes back home, because I didn't work through my issues before hand. I want to work through them now, because I love the Lord that much and I know that something in my life isn't right and I want things to be right. I want God to have all of me and God wants all of me, otherwise He wouldn't be bringing all of these things to my attention. He would just leave me the way that I am, but thank you Lord for not leaving me where I am. Thank you Lord for looking beyond who I am and seeing not only me, but who I can be in You. I love that He loves me enough to change me.
Apart from the Lord I can do no good thing, it is only in Him and through Him that I stand and that I live.
When I said that I was going to Costa Rica as part of my missionary training well this is it. Learning the language is only part of my training the other part is talking place within in me. God is preparing me for the future, for what is to come, and I am so excited to see what God has in store.
Ever since I arrived in Costa Rica, God has been peeling back the layers of my heart and revealing myself to me and revealing to me the areas in my life that need some improvements. There are certain areas in my life that need to be removed and filled with God's truth, and the only way to do that is by getting rid of everything that is not of God. This is not an easy process, but it is a necessary process. You see I don't want God to use just part of me, I want God to have all of me. My desire is to live for Him alone and to follow Him where ever He leads me.
Well this week He led me to the door of the ILE counseling office. I made an appointment yesterday and I had my appointment today. I went there because God has been working in my life and things have been changing and I am not sure how to deal with those changes or what to do about them. I needed a fresh set of eyes to look into my life and to help give me some direction. You see I don't want to be someone who 2 years from now joins a mission organization and goes into another country then has a mental breakdown and goes back home, because I didn't work through my issues before hand. I want to work through them now, because I love the Lord that much and I know that something in my life isn't right and I want things to be right. I want God to have all of me and God wants all of me, otherwise He wouldn't be bringing all of these things to my attention. He would just leave me the way that I am, but thank you Lord for not leaving me where I am. Thank you Lord for looking beyond who I am and seeing not only me, but who I can be in You. I love that He loves me enough to change me.
Apart from the Lord I can do no good thing, it is only in Him and through Him that I stand and that I live.
When I said that I was going to Costa Rica as part of my missionary training well this is it. Learning the language is only part of my training the other part is talking place within in me. God is preparing me for the future, for what is to come, and I am so excited to see what God has in store.
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