Being Content

Paul in Philippians wrote, "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am in" (4:11b).

When I was in the park, the words "just be" came to my mind, but I think that was almost like an unfinished sentence, what does that mean to just be? Well in Paul's life it meant just be content. Be content in all circumstances. Do you think being content is something that Paul just knew how to do? I don't think so, because he says, "I have learned to be content".

Transitions in life are not easy for someone who finds comfort in stability and routines, but being content in all circumstances is something that I am learning to do. Not being content in myself, but being content in the Lord and in knowing that all things work together for good (Romans 8:28).

Siempre fiel, always faithful. God is always faithful.

Today, I woke up this morning with a spring in my step. I am not a morning person by any means, but tomorrow school starts, yay! I know I sound like a little child, but I am very excited to be starting my second tri-mester at ILE. I have loved my first tri and I am looking forward to seeing what God has planned for this upcoming tri.

This afternoon, I am going with a few students to pick up their new Costa Rican cellphones and then after that I will be heading downtown to do a prayer walk around the city. It has been a while since I have walked around downtown and prayed over the city and the people. I said before that I wanted to start doing a weekly prayer walk so today is going to start week one. 

Loving the Rain...

                                                            All I Need - JJ Heller

As I have gone back through and reread some of my postings, I have realized how depressing they have sounded lately so as a result I have made a new rule when it comes to blogging starting tomorrow I am only going to blog before 5pm. I had a professor in college tell me that your mind thinks more clearly in the afternoon than at any other time during the day. My blogs lately have been based off of my emotions but not all of my emotions, just mostly the ones that have formed at night when I am tired. Those moments of exhaustion or sadness take up only a small portion of my day.

I am an optimist and for the most part I am a happy person, because I know that I can trust in the Lord and that everything is going to be okay. Homesickness is just a part of life and a part of growing-up, it is a normal process to go through and everyone goes through it differently. For me, it has been crying and admitting that I miss the ones that I love. However, now that I have spent time crying and that I have realized my struggle things are starting to look up.

I noticed the past couple weeks that there has been some things that I have been neglecting...1. my devotion and prayer time and 2. my alone time. Both of those things are essential for me. Today, the best part of the day was when I went for a walk. This afternoon, I walked in the rain and talked with God and it was great. I talked to Him about everything that has been on my heart and my mind lately, and I also listened for His response and truth.  It was wonderful, I loved it.

Everyone has their ups and their downs, and for the past few days I have shared mostly my downs, but what you haven't seen in those blogs is how much fun I am having with the new students and how much I am laughing. I have laughed so hard these past few weeks with friends and family, it has been great. I have also got to try new things and explore with new friends, which has been a lot of fun. I am also starting to come into my "element" as am taking on new leadership roles and becoming more involved in ministry here in Costa Rica.

Yesterday, I went to Valle del Sol with Candace, a new ILE student, and it was great. I love working with those kiddos and seeing their smiling faces. We also had a few new children come which is always nice to see. The ministry has really been growing (thank you God). Even though, Steve (the director/leader) is the States, the classroom with the younger kids has been doing good. Karla, the lead teacher, has really been doing a good job in leading the classroom. As the tri-mester starts, I am looking forward to getting more involved in helping with the behind the scenes preparations for Saturdays and doing some teaching as my Spanish continues to improve.

God is good all the time. Thank you all for your prayers and continued support.

Delayed-Response

I have written before in a past blog about my delayed-response when it comes to good byes, well here it is. I have noticed the past 3 nights as I have laid in bed crying that it was not only because I was exhausted, but I realized last night that I am going through a time of transitioning and change. The day that Kelly left and that my dad arrived was crazy and then I had the whole week with my dad which also flew by. Then I was preparing for the students to come and then I have been staying busy ever since. Even though, I enjoy being busy most of the time the other day I noticed I needed some solitude because I was beginning to lose my mind. A friend actually brought it to my attention when we were talking and she said, "are you okay? I feel like your mind is somewhere else"? Well she was right, my mind was somewhere else and I feel like it has been somewhere else ever since that day Kelly left and my dad arrived.

During the day, I have not been present in many of the things going on around me. My mind has usually been somewhere else, which was something that was starting to bother me which added to my frustration. I didn't know where my mind was going I was focusing on every thing that I thought I had to do or needed to do, instead of just being in the moment with people and with God. Then at night, when I would come home I would not only be exhausted but I would just start crying. Obviously, there was something going on.

Last night, it came to me that I had not been dealing with the change that is taking place around me. I had not cried about my dad leaving or about Kelly leaving or about all the things that are changing at home so as I laid in bed I just cried about everything. I don't like crying. I think that is one of the reasons that my emotions have been delayed until now, and I am also task-oriented so if you keep me busy I will ignore myself and my emotions.

I think I struggle with adjusting to big life changes and now there are many that are taking place so I am learning to adjust in my own way, but first I needed to cry about it. I have to accept the things I can not change and have no control over. God is in control over everything and He has our best interests at heart. He knows what is going on before we do. He knew that I needed this time of losing my mind to let go and just admit my emotions and cry. He knows that admitting my emotions is still not as easy as I would like it to be, and that I hide many of my emotions, because I think of them as weak. But I am weak and I don't have to worry about that, because God is strong.

A new song

                                                          No Fight Left by: JJ Heller

This song seemed appropriate for right now. I will blog later on tonight about what I learned last night while I laid in bed and then this morning how God reaffirmed that what I had learned or noticed was indeed true.

Just Be.

So I thought this morning that I would be spending the whole day at a park, just me and God. However, I am not sure where my mind was or has been because I literally could not focus. I sat at this new place trying to pray and my mind was a complete blank. I really could not focus enough to pray so I just spoke to God like I normally do like He is right next to me, and still nothing. I usually feel sometime of leading and today nothing.

So then I opened my Bible and began reading where I left off the other night in Leviticus. Well, it didn't seem like today was an infectious disease kind of day so I read a few chapters and then I did the thing that some people say you shouldn't do. I just left my Bible open and I let the breeze blow the pages around until it stopped (kind of the same idea of just opening your Bible and reading whatever page it opens to). My Bible laid open in Isaiah so I started reading and going through a couple chapters, but then I stopped and this question came to my mind, "what am I searching for"?

Why did I take 2 bus rides out to this park to "be with God"? Why I am out here? Why am I not at home resting?  Why is God not giving me any kind of direction today? Why am I not at peace? Why am I still anxious and not able to relax?

I then packed up my things and started to head home. I sat on the bench at the bus stop for a good 20 minutes trying to figure out which bus I should take to go home then I stopped looking for the bus and I just sat there. In case you haven't noticed, I asked a lot of why questions today and then as I sat there I began to ask more questions.

God, why are you hiding your face from me? Why can't I relax? Then as I sat there at this bus stop where I had no idea where I was...it came to me, why am I trying so hard to relax and to be with God? Why in the world did I come all the way out to this park? Why didn't I just stay back in downtown San Jose where I feel the most relaxed? Or better yet, why didn't I just stay at home? Why did I feel like I had to go anywhere at all?

These words then entered my mind..."just be with me".

I didn't have to go anywhere at all today. I could have just stayed at home. God just wanted me to be with Him. "Just be with me, stop searching for answers, stop asking questions, and just be". Of course, I asked another question, what does that even mean? Just be. I am not sure that I know, but I guess I am going to find out as I just be.

Exhausted part 2

So I figured out yesterday, I was exhausted. As I laid down to go to bed, I started bawling. This usually happens when I am exhausted or having a panic attack, since I know I was not having a panic attack I know it was because of exhaustion. It might have been exhaustion mixed in with a little frustration, anxiety, and delayed emotions that all decided they were going to come out at once. My sleep last night was restless and I woke up with this feeling of just wanting to cry and stay in bed, but I knew I had to get up and go help with orientation. I am glad that I decided to help with orientation, because I have really enjoyed helping out and meeting the new students. Today, I got to act like a messy student with bad manners in a skit for the students on how not to act in the classroom. I also got to chat with students in between their sessions and get to know a few of them a little bit better.

Afterwards, I took a new family downtown to get a cellphone and then I got to spend the rest of the day with my new friend Candace and her family. It was great to be able to spend the day with them and laugh. It was a lot of fun to just be able to relax. There were times that I laughed so hard that I almost cried, it was great. I can tell this tri-mester that Candace and I are going to have a lot of fun together.

But for now I am still exhausted and going to bed. I am going to pray until I fall asleep tonight and then in the morning I will be cut off from society for the day. I need a day to just be alone with God. I shall return home tomorrow evening and blog.

I feel like I should ask you all to pray for me tomorrow as I spend my day with God. I am not sure what you can pray about but if you would just pray I would appreciate, thanks.

"I have not be given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." - 2 Timothy 1:7 

I don't like writing blogs when I upset, but I am going to write this one because I am working on expressing my feelings and communicating even when I feel like I can't or when I find it difficult. It is always easier when you are frustrated or upset not to talk or work through your issues, but I don't think that is the way it should be. For me at times, I find it almost physically impossible to talk or communicate when I am in the beginning of a panic attack. You know I don't get easily frustrated or hurt, but when I do it really bothers me and makes me really upset then I start to cry a lot. I think this contributes to my panic attacks because really inside I am a sensitive person, I just try not to show it. I use to view it as a weakness, but now I am trying to embrace it.

My sensitive side is just as important to God as my strong independent side so I am learning to deal with the reality of who I am and who God has made me to be. To be honest, I will admit I don't always like what I see that is why I try to see myself a little less each day through my eyes and more through God's eyes. This is not an easy thing to do, but through His word I am learning more and more about being made in His image and what that means. I am learning about not just accepting who you are, but really loving who you are, because God sees all of you and loves you. Even though, at times I see me and I am like, "really God you love that about me because that part of me I would kind of like to change," and I never know maybe God would like to transform that part of me or maybe He likes that part of me the way it is, but either way I need to learn to love me.

I take on a lot of guilt and shame that I don't need to take on, especially when I have done all of the things that I am capable of doing to correct any wrongs that I have made. This where I am learning to let it go and give it over to God. I also take on guilt for petty things that I shouldn't feel guilty about and sometimes have no control over. I find myself saying, "I feel bad" a lot when I have nothing to feel bad about. I have a friend here who has been trying to help me work this, but it is not easy. I don't like letting others down or doing things wrong, which of course we all know is unavoidable in life because you can't make everyone happy and everyone makes mistakes. To be completely honest, I do many things out of guilt and that is not the way it should be.